Noo! If Ye read ma column in the last issue, Ye wid ken that I hud a wee problem wie the Wife's Mither! Well thankfully the Auld Bint took the Humph when I tried tae shove hur oot Oh the Livin room windae and promptly packed hur bags an went hame!
Now Ella( the trouble an strife) wiz a bit Peed off at me for trying tae Murder her Mammy, So, jist tae try tae make up we Hur, I went oot and came hame we a Wee Chinese carry oot! (2 beef curries) Fur wer Lunch.
Well! Ella cheered up a bit after that, And chancing ma hand a says tae Hur "A think I'll jist pop doon tae the Piston Broke fur a wee swalley!"
Well I wiz in enough trouble as it wiz, Withoot upsetting Hur anymare, So true to ma word,I left the Piston Broke within the hour.
Noo! Its nae that far from the Pub tae ma Hoose, But it must huv been the Curry reactin wie the Beer, But suddenly I wiz BURSTIN! Lucky enough there is an old Public toilet in Garbuncle road, and I made a quick detour tae relieve masel. Sae desperate wiz I, that as I burst through the Cubicle door, ma troosers already at ma ankles, So I jist swung round, Sat doon and let ma arse collapsed on the Pan.
Oh the joy OH! the relief! I wiped a bead Oh sweat from my brow, Well! Noo that the pain in ma Belly hud started tae subside, I hud a wee look at ma surroundings, and noticed a piece Oh cardboard on the floor.
Ah! Fur Christ Sake! Surely no? A bet the bluddy thing will no flush! thought I. So I tries tae stand up tae flush the Dammed thing, And do you know what?------ I couldn't move---------------------- Ma arse wiz firmly stuck tae the Toilet seat! Now apparently these toilets are so old and still use the old wooden seats, And every so often the Cooncil workmen come roond and repair them we thon Contact cement! Well nothing that yea experience in life, Can prepare yea for a situation like this! Jist whit can yea do? The Building is away from the main street so no point in shouting fur help.
Suddenly two hands appeared at the top of the partition, then the head and shoulders appeared, Blonde hair Parted in the middle and lacquered down, Bright Floral shirt, A shiny Gold medallion, and Earrings!
"Your the Bluddy problem! Go on get oot oh here, Yea big POOFTER Yea are" I screams " GO ON BUGGER AFF!"
There's the boys thought I, The Fire Brigade will soon huv me free! Suddenly! there was a scuffling sound then these two heads appeared, White helmets and Green Jackets
Well several sharp whacks later and the door lay in ruin's. In Ran the two demented frogs "MEDIC!" "MEDIC!" One frog at each side of me, And a quick inspection.
One of the firemen came in, " I'M SORRY! WE'LL HUV TAE DISMANTLE THE SEAT AND TAKE THE TWO O YEA TAE THE, INFIRMARY"
A couple o twists o a spanner and my BUM wiz free, However as the infernal seat wiz still firmly glued tae ma Arse I couldn't staun up, So with the help o the two Frogs they gently lowered me face down on tae a stretcher, And ARSE in the air, Carried me oot o the toilets.
Now in the streets o Glasga, Ambulances and Fire Brigades are sure to attract attention, So When they carried me out a large crowd were there to greet me, The normal sighs oh PITY quickly turned to howls of LAUGHTER, I turned ma heid to one side and Screamed at this overfed auld Crone
